一切来得那么快，其实我还来不及反应，它就这样结束了。但不管怎么样，我想对五月天说，谢谢你的美好（没有再帮严爵打歌哦！）
2010 年，4月17日，我也在Stadium/Kallang, 感受着我人生中第一个五月天的演唱会。当时是在国家体育场，不是在Singapore Indoor Stadium。是户外，没冷气。还好那天下过雨，所以没那么热。但是当时的位置有点远，看不到什么，而对左右的五迷也没什么亲切感，不过还是很high，很好玩。
2012 年，2月14日，我又再次回到了Stadium/Kallang. 第二次，Singapore Indoor Stadium, 而且是史上新加坡第一摇滚区。虽然很累，脚很酸，但是真的还是很high. 这一次，我真正能看到五月天，而身边的五迷都好high, 所以真的很享受。
2013年，6月15日，刚好一年过后，我又回到了Stadium/Kallang. 其实当下并没有和前两次一样紧张，不知道是因为熟练了，还是失去了一点热忱。到了现场，虽然姐姐不在，但认识了几个新五迷。我其实是个还蛮内向的人，不怎么交朋友，而且还是个非常慢热的人。可是当我遇到这群五迷时，我自然而然跟他们有着亲近感，有着熟悉感，不知道为什么。很能和他们谈得来。虽然是现场认识的，第一次见面，而且除了名字以外我对他们所有的一切都不了解，但是跟着他们我有着一种安全感。感觉像是认识了很久，我对他们有完完全全的信任。五迷们人都很好，会互相帮忙排队买东西之类的。我真的感到很辛运我们是一家人。
进了场之后，热忱慢慢回来了。当时，感觉世界似乎只剩下五月天和我们，时间都停了，其他东西似乎都不存在。当阿信开始唱的时候，其实我有点想要哭的感觉。那熟悉的歌声，熟悉的配乐，虽然只隔着一年，但感觉好像是等了几千年的音乐。之前的我沉睡着，而那把声音把我唤醒了。这段日子来，在我平静又单调的人生中，我似乎在等待一样东西。其实我也不知道自己在等什么。但我想，现在我知道了。
唱着[仓颉]和[你不是真正的快乐]的时候，我眼眶喊着泪水，一边哽咽一边跟着唱。[仓颉]是因为记忆中从来没听过现场，所以第一次听有种莫名的感动。[你不是真正的快乐]是因为听了感觉好像是五月天在安慰我。那么久，身边那么多人，但是其实除了五月天以外，没有人真正的关心过我。所以听到这首歌时，我感觉我没有被遗落，没有被遗忘，还有人爱着我，所以就有点想哭的感觉。
中间也停了好多旧而很久没唱的歌，如[拥抱]和[武装]和[听不到]，感觉似乎坐上了时光机，回到了好多年前。
还有，当五月天唱[听不到]的时候，有一段五月天让我们唱，当我们唱到“...你听不到..."时，阿信突然就接了一句"...我听得到...“。当时好感动，又有好想哭的感觉。阿信似乎跟我们说着，虽然他不认识我们每一个人，只知道我们一整体是五迷，但我们的感受，我们的想法，我们的心声，他都听得到。
当时，我感觉我能放弃全世界，能失去所有一切，但是只要有他们，我就能活着。
Encore的时候，听了[憨人]，感觉好辛运，应为前晚的人没听到。五月天也唱了[洋葱]，超难得的。最后的最后，五月天以新歌[伤心的人别听慢歌]结束了演唱会。
很高兴他们以最快乐的方式结束了一切，然我们乐观的等待下一次的重逢。
谢谢五月天。
我承认，这一段时间和五月天有点脱节了，但是过了这场演唱会，一切的一切都回来了。我并没有失去这份热忱，只是因为时间的关系，也许我有点小迷失罢了。
再次谢谢五月天，把希望和光明带进我的人生中。
I'm feeling confused all over. I can't describe this feeling. Mixture of pain, sadness, fear, and anxiety. All over.
Recounting back to the last day of school. PS: It's my first holiday in poly
I had my FDS presentation. I tried my best I've ever could, carried my shape city model, took a bus home. Plugged in my earphones, and started crying on the way.
I didn't know why the heck did I cry. There was nothing to cry about actually. I didn't had a reason to cry.
I just felt so weak, so vulnerable, and so defeated.
I fear. All of my classmates were doing so well. They were so talented, so gifted in Art, Design and everything. Yet I'm so small, so weak, so lousy.
I'm afraid. I'm afraid of not catching up with them, afraid of being the lousiest, afraid of screwing up everything, afraid of regretting.
Sometimes I wonder if Design school was the correct choice. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just a mugger suited for mugging courses. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't be here. Sometimes my mind tells me "go home you ass, you suck totally here."
Talk about building the Shape City. I took 5 days and more, to really BUILD UP MY CITY as a whole. Made amendments here and there, constantly trying to reach perfection, or at least the best. In the end it's still looks screwed.
People just took two or 3 days, some maybe one-two days, everything turns out perfect and nice.
Talk about VAS. Silkscreen, Linocut, wire & clay-making.
People produce quality and perfect work so easily. First attempt, perfect.
For me, I took tries, many hours, many days, redoing here and there, but it's still screwed. FUGLY.
Talk about GC. Final-day prepared posters are more acceptable than mine-which I spent many days, weeks doing it. Drafts over and over many times.
I'm just screwed. Really screwed.
Sometimes I feel that everything is not fair. The world is not being fair to me in every way. I constantly wonder why am I being compared with people who had experienced and art background. This this REALLY HOW EDUCATION SHOULD WORK? I really wonder.
Whenever these questions pop out, "professionals" would say, "This is the fairest thing that it could ever be already."
No. It is bullshit.
While I'm thinking, I remembered, "Oh, the world was never fair in the first place."
Maybe I should just get my ass and move on with this freaking life.
But I'm just really tired.
Really tired of trying.
Trying to become what the world and society wants me to be.
I can't be myself. It's THEIR expectations, not mine.
I just want to be myself. Really myself. Enjoying what I really like.
Perhaps I was too naïve to think that, design school could grant that desire of mine.
In the end, it's all the same.
My own wishful thinking.
And I think. Think about going on for the next 3 years.
Am I really screwed? Really?
Not only with studies, but also with people.
No matter how I try to fit into this world, it wouldn't work.
I'm still an outcast in any way.
I tried. I tried opening my heart to people. Yes it did work for awhile. But I didn't like it. I felt that it wasn't me. THE REAL ME.
I'm constantly asking myself, that, why am I putting a mask. Why am I acting, trying, to be sociable, when the real inside my is actually an anti-social freak. Why do I have to become what they like, and not what I like?
Sometimes I really hate myself. Hate myself for being so imperfect.
For being so anti social.
For being so LOUSY at interacting with people.
For being an outcast.
For not being smarter, better, more talented and everything else.
For not being able to KNOW what I want.
For not being able to express myself to people.
For not being able to love people or being loved.
For not being able to know what love, in any form, is.
For everything and everything.
How do you expect me to love people, tell them I love them, when I can't even love myself and my own life?
How do I expect the society to accept me, when I don't even accept myself?
I'm really screwed with my life, I guess.
I drew the Batman. He's one of my favourite hero.
I mean like, the feeling he gives me is different from how the X-men, Avengers, etc give me. I really admire him, in my real life, & I think he's the true definition of a hero. Yes he's not like the X men or the Avengers. He doesn't have any superpowers. He can't save the world by letting out an optic blast like cyclops, or have super telekinesis like Jean, neither a demi god like Thor. He's a normal human being. Who felt that the world can be better. Who wanted to change the world. Who wanted to protect his own beloved city. He's so small, yet so large. So vulnerable, yet so strong. That's what makes him a hero.
I wasn't a Batman fan at the start. The first Batman movie I watched was actually The Dark Knight rises, the last of the trilogy. By the time TDKR, Bruce wad already a frail man who needed the help of a walking stick to support himself. Hence, he failed to attract me. During the scene where he had boxing with Bane, I was like "WTF he doesn't even have superpowers and takes so long to defeat someone."
If you were actually thinking like I used to, then you need to take some time out to watch the The Dark Knight trilogy. Although Batman's origin was a comical cartoon where he would always go out with Robin & do silly stuffs etc, but I must say that Christoper Nolan's movie series of Batman was really inspiring. He pratically took Batman out of a comic book and changed it into something entirely different, someting philosophical.
"Your parent's death was not your fault. ..But if you make yourself more than just a man..if you devote yourself to an ideal...then you become something else entirely."
"which is?"
"A legend, Mr Wayne."
Batman Begins started with how his parents were murdered and how the murders managed to get away. Just because Gotham City was so corrupted. He tried to avenge them, but came to realize revenge was something small. Something's bigger and more important was going on. He realized it's not just about his own world, he and his revenge. Its the city that needs saving. Literally and psychologically. Hence basically he went being a life of a criminal, to understand criminal's psychology before he can change his world. Then, he took up the identity of Batman, something that he feared the most-BATS. Cause he wanted his enemies to share his fear. He met Ra's Al Ghul (previously his mentor) and ppl like Scarecrow, who felt that the city is beyond saving and wanted to destroy it. But he believed that there's always hope for the city so he fought them. And yeah, like superhero movies, he managed to save his beloved city in the end.
The Dark Knight was something different and more complicated. The villian's bascially only the Joker, but who is sick mentally and therefore a difficult opponent to defeat. Batman begins to think about himself, doubts his own capablities of "saving the city/world." Then there's Harvey Dent, the White Knight, the lawyer who managed to bring down a large number of corruption, therefore being an exposed/known hero, unlike Batman. Batman thought of letting Harvey Dent to save the world and let himself step down. Moreover, the Joker went around killing, claiming that it will continue if Batman does not expose himself. The whole city then hates him and finds him responsible for all the chaos. The plot moves. Harvey's loved one Rachel Dawes is being killed by the Joker, & somehow the Joker managed to drive Harvey mad and brought him down to the lowest level-being a villian. Batman managed to bring Joker down in the end, but is confused about the explaination of Harvey Dent to the public, as he's the symbol of justice and hope to the people. Therefore in the end he decided to take the blame himself as the villian, claiming responsible for all the chaos, & let the people continue to worship Harvey and embrace hope in their hearts.
The Dark Knight rises started with Batman with the identity tag as a "villian". Therefore he was hiding all the while. He became frail due to all his years being Batman and taking down all those criminals. He meets Bane, the terrorist. He's defeated and imprisoned in a well by Bane. There's an escape from the prison, but bascially no one has succeeded except a boy, supposingly Bane. Its that kind of either you escape or you fall to your death. Batman's the guy who's not afraid of anything. He learnt how to feel fear, like how he learnt to conquer it in the first film. He then feared of dying, feared of leaving the world & not being able to save the city. He then got out, saw the city in Chaos due to works of Bane. He met with betrayal, where his romantic interest was actually the mastermnd of the evil. But Batman's still Batman. He saved the city the third time, by taking the nuclear bomb with him & perishing with it. Supposing, he died. But he became a legend.
That's my really short summary of the trilogy. There's a lot more to understand in the real one. Fighting scenes were little, & you'll find that Batman's actually not a good fighter. Batman's actually more of a symbol of hope than a fighter, which is miles more important to the people. The city needs hope. Not a fighter. & through the trilogy we got to see Bruce Wayne as Batman, and his character. It's his character that's heroic and you would admire, not his fighting and those. He believed that there's still hope among the worst. He's willing to take the role of the villian and be despised for his people. He's willing to die for his city. But yet he's vulnerable, he's human, he's normal. That's what makes him.
He's a fighter who had the heart of a hero.
I salute Christoper Nolan for coming out with such an awesome trilogy.
& I applaud Christian Bale for such a good potrayal of Batman.
"It's not who I am underneat, but what I do that defines me."
Growing up. It doesn't really tell you that you're growing, but somehow you just know it. I don't mean the freaking growing up physically.
You no longer get excited over things you used to.
You no longer want to "stick to" your parents like how you used to be.
No emotional outburst. You're happy. That's it. You're sad. That's it. You're stressed. That's it. Sometimes you just don't feel like showing your emotions to people. You rather just keep it to yourself.
Signs of independence. You realize you're more and more on your own. Doing things all by yourself. Daddys & Mummys are just no longer there to settle your shit.
Teenage angst. I don't know it all teenagers are like that, but that's basically how I feel nowadays.
When I was young, I yearned to grow up. Yearned to be 18, the legal age for everything. The age for freedom, the age of independence. I felt freaking pissed off when internet stuffs goes like "you need to be 18 and above to...".
I yearned that I no longer need to be controlled by parents. I yearned the feeling of owning things & sense of belonging. I yearned of being unconstricted. I yearned being able to do what I want.
And now I'm 18.
I'm neutral. I don't have any like long-awaited feelings.
And sometimes I wished I was just a child. Sometimes I wished I hadn't grown up. Sometimes I wished I could have stopped time.
It's not fun growing up. Your world gets complicated. No, the world. You know more things, therefore you get more troubles. You're the bloody shit on your own now. Nobody's there to make decisions for you. You regret, that's your business. You face some stupid hormonal changes. You get angsty. You feel it, but you can't control it. That's pathetic. Judgement. You face it. You do anything wrong, you face the consequences. You can't push the blame on age, saying that you're young therefore you should be forgiven.
And you wished that you're just a child, where everything in this world is so innocent. You can just do what you want. The world is big, you're small. If you're tired, you can just hide under the blanket and sleep. Or hug your parents.
Not now anymore.
You don't sleep. You're awake. You can't sleep. Because you're on your own now. There's still a long way to go. And you're only on the starting.
And I wish myself a Happy 18th Birthday. (Its on the 25th though)
And I wish myself the best luck.
And may the odds be ever in my favour.
And whenever I see kids wanting to grow up quickly, I think of the past me.
And I wonder will they ever end up feeling like me.
I'm not weak. I'm not a weak person. In fact I'm very much of strong.
I know it whenever I see people getting upset over tiny things and as I watched them wallow in their self-defined misery.
I feel like telling straight in their face to shut up but I know I won't.
Some get upset because they can't spend enough time with their boyfriend/girlfriend.
Some get upset because their crush won't take a look at them.
Some get upset because their outcasted by their friends.
Some get upset because they feel their life is not good enough.
Some get upset because they are not on good relationship with their parents.
Soem get upset because they got annoying siblings.
My life's pretty pathetic. I complain, I breakdown. But after that I got over it.
As a child, I was rebellious. I hated studying. My childhood was terrible. It was filled with memories of my parents scolding and caning me etc. Till now, sometimes I still dream of these memories in my sleep. They never asked me what I really wanted, I felt that they didn't show concern for me. I didn't feel any love.
Of course, at school, I was a lazy student in the eyes of my teachers. They despised me. They scolded me. They humilated me infront of my classmates, Seening these, my classmates too despised me. Nobody made friends with me. I'm alone, abandoned, disliked and despised.
When I grew older, I got to know friends. But it didn't went out well. We quarrelled. Ended up everybody started turning the backs on me. Everybody hated me because they thought I was mean/bad to my friend. They did all their means to trample me. Once, I even remembered they stole a library book I borrowed from me and threw it away, leaving me to pay for the fine myself. Girls did these. Boys were more direct. It was really bullying and those hitting stuffs they did to me.
My sister was in the same primary school with me. Unlike me, she was the total opposite. She was a hardworking student who aced everything in her studies. Meaning, top student. She's lovable, teachers loved her. She had an active social life, participating in many CCAs & all that. Then people came to wonder why was I so different from her. They started complaining. Questioning. Not only in the school, even outside people did this. Basically, she was like the light, and I'm the shadow. Light and shadow. Our relationship. She's always the light which shore brightly, while I'm forever behind her, unnoticed.
I grew up with my cousins. There was my elder male cousin, elder female cousin, my sis and I. My aunt doted on me. I'm grateful for this. But however, this caused some jealousy on my elder female cousin. We had some problems. Life was not exactly good at that time I would say.
For me aunt, I thank her. I felt kinda somewhat love from her at least. But when I grew up and looked back, I thought it was probably because she was obliged to do so. In the very beginning, she didnt wanted to babysit me. My mum handled me to some other babysitter and I ended up in the hospital (YES). Hence she felt guilty and then promised to babysit me afterwards. Hence she doted on me.
Yes. While I'm growing up, my hormones and those developed. I had crushes. But none of them ever looked at me. And I didn't had the courage to tell them etc. Once, I fell for someone who was part of the bullying clique. As a bully, he told me he would never fall for me and told me "fat hope".
When I reached sec school, I was afraid to make new friends due to the previous experiences I had. It took me at least 4 years to open my heart full to my classmates. They were great. It's just my own problem. I felt fortunate that history didn't repeat.
Part of me began to see things in a new light. I understood things and I started to study hard. I strove, and I manage to see results. But for many years of my life I was caught in the competition whirlwind with my classmates, which I didn't wanted. I lost another friend because of this.
Of course, it wasn't easy for a bottom-er to reach to the top. I really felt terrible between the years of my N and O levels. I was stressed. I no longer had a life. I even felt like ending my life (Im serious) because life was such an agony to me. But thankfully I managed to survive without doing any silly stuffs.
Also, last september, my sis left me for Taiwan to pursue her studies. It was really a nightmare at the start. Because one of the things I feared the most was people leaving me. And I really loved her. But slowly I kinda adapted, and here I am now, still doing fine.
Throughout the years of my life, my relatives left me. My grandparents, which left me regrets that I didn't spend more time with them when they were around. & of course my aunt. Depression took her away. I wished I had the ability to stop it. But I'm just so small, so weak.
Depression. Yes. It's the illness which runs in my family's blood. Few of them had it. Some gave in to it, some overcame it. Some's still in the middle of it. This created an awareness in me. I constantly reminded myself not to fall for it, depsite facing so many difficulties in life. I must admit, it's something that keeping me strong. I mean, I'm not exactly strong, but I know I'm not weak.
But I know, there's always a dark side of me which will not guarantee.
因为心魔永远都存在.
在你不知不觉当中，它有可能会吞食你。
其实我们都是黑暗骑士，其实我们时时刻刻都在和自己心中的黑暗战斗。
Batman's the Dark Knight of Gotham City. He saves them, protects them.
But there's a Dark Knight in every of us, fighting the dark side of us, despite we are just normal humans. Not anything legendary. The Dark Knight rides in the dark of our hearts & keeps us from being weak.
I'm reminiscing again.
I miss school. Although the idea of school starting in april totally freaks me out. I miss those times when I'm constantly thinking, constantly using brainpower, constantly gaining new knowledge. Even if that tortured me like hell, I'm still kinda missing it. At least during that time, I feel my worth. I feel that I am one individual, learning something with a group of people, but yet in a way different from them. I felt burden. I felt responsiblity. I feel that I'm achieving something. I see my goals. I knew what I want. I find myself useful. I feel satisfied. That's the greatness of the school in its midst of its suckiness.
Those nights when I stayed up to do those bloody homework.
Those nights when I'm sitting on a table full of worksheets and stationaries.
Those nights when I coped myself onto the sofa and memorized my history stuffs.
Those nights when I finished my all my homework and play MAA before I slept. It was one of the best things to look forward to everyday.
Those weekends which I managed to squeeze some time to play Diablo 3.
Those days where nice stationaries were the things that kept me going on studying.
I never had those feelings. For 5 months now.
Life was an agony then. But it was complete.
Now I'm a retail assistant at fairprice. Who works and serves.
I always felt that a worker is a soldier.
They don't think. They don't feel. They execute orders. Its all the same.
No, you're not someone special. If you're absent, I can find someone to replace your work.
You wanna leave, just do it. There's ton of people waiting out there.
Just make sure the shelves are not empty. Go do it now, worker. Go do it now, soldier.
Each and everyday, I see my co-workers having monotone faces (I don't know what you call that) and doing their work. Carrying heavy stuffs. Arranging stuffs. Serving people. Doing work. They all looked the same to me.
Enter the pantry, you see people sitting down. They're either chatting, resting, slacking, using their phones, trying to pass time etc.
Enter the office. You see busy people handling machines and computers. There's not even a space for you to walk or sit sometimes.
Enter the backstore, sometimes you find people smoking. You will see the garbage uncles. You see delivery men. You see tons of cardboxes. Folded ones. Loaded ones.
Enter the cashier area. You wouldn't want to go there. Its bustling with people. And many angry-looking/impatient cashiers who handled too much money and are getting pissed off.
Enter the general area. Look around. Some rushing. Some taking their time. You see families. You see groups of friends. You envy them. They looked so loving and close.
You see people doing fruits and veg like me. You see people doing groceries. You see people wearing jackets and doing Frozen. You see people with white boots at the seafood area. You see sushi-s, you see people selling meat.
Don't stay outside the general area for too long. Cause if you do, people will start asking you stuffs that you don't know. Like, "Is this fruit nice?" which you totally will not know how to answer.
Look at them. They're probably not feeling anything. They all are doing something, but they're not thinking. They are all soldiers. They all are just thinking about ending work and going home. And I'm one of them.
Fortunately, this blog had kept my consciousness. I'm probably still thinking, still feeling, because I have a place for me to write. And I feel my worth in this way.
But tomorrow when I return for work, I'll probably revert back to being a soldier again.
Life goes on. Like this.
Where's my worth? I'm still finding.
This word has followed me for life. No matter how I tried to cover it or remove it, it would always be there. I mean like, some people are just born being some social-butterfly. You know it. While some are just being born being an outcast. You know it. I'm the latter.
Yes. I have friends. I have work. I have a life. Just like anyone else. But deep inside your heart you know you're alone. I know it. I know everything. People make friends with you because they find you useful. You're usable. People talk to you because they need to socialize. Or just because they're being polite. Surface stuffs. You know it at the back they don't give you a shit at all. If one day you're gone/missing, they will just probably go "ooh!". They won't be worried. They won't think of what happened to you. That's how I feel about the people around me. I can't ask them to fuck themselves. I had to play along with the act.
All humans are selfish. Admit it. Even I'm myself am. They love themselves more than they love you. Even they love you, it's because loving you satisfy their own feelings. The reality is that no one cares. About you. You're all alone, pathetically in this green and blue planet.
While all these is a fact, it applies more to me than the others. This is what you call an outcast. I'm always watching. Always following. Always hiding. Always obeying. The show goes to others, and you're always one of the audience.
Worth. Do you feel your worth in this freaking world? Look at Maslow's Hierachy of needs. Hardly anyone makes up to the top-Self Actualization. Meaning you really feel your worth in this world. You feel important. No. Nobody cares about this freaking Hierachy. They're just satisfied with the lowest three of the Hierachy-physiological, safety, and social. They don't know in the Hierachy, your psychological needs exceeds your basic needs. People are ignorant after all.
I can see where my post is going. It's full of angst and anger, with some werid philosophy. And seems of it, if I don't stop now, I will continue writing it forever.
I don't know whats up with this sudden angst, but after all I am fortunate that I am still thinking. Thinking about life and worth. The enternal unsolvable question.
This is the confession of an outcast.
FANGQING LAU/芳晴