I'm feeling confused all over. I can't describe this feeling. Mixture of pain, sadness, fear, and anxiety. All over.
Recounting back to the last day of school. PS: It's my first holiday in poly
I had my FDS presentation. I tried my best I've ever could, carried my shape city model, took a bus home. Plugged in my earphones, and started crying on the way.
I didn't know why the heck did I cry. There was nothing to cry about actually. I didn't had a reason to cry.
I just felt so weak, so vulnerable, and so defeated.
I fear. All of my classmates were doing so well. They were so talented, so gifted in Art, Design and everything. Yet I'm so small, so weak, so lousy.
I'm afraid. I'm afraid of not catching up with them, afraid of being the lousiest, afraid of screwing up everything, afraid of regretting.
Sometimes I wonder if Design school was the correct choice. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just a mugger suited for mugging courses. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't be here. Sometimes my mind tells me "go home you ass, you suck totally here."
Talk about building the Shape City. I took 5 days and more, to really BUILD UP MY CITY as a whole. Made amendments here and there, constantly trying to reach perfection, or at least the best. In the end it's still looks screwed.
People just took two or 3 days, some maybe one-two days, everything turns out perfect and nice.
Talk about VAS. Silkscreen, Linocut, wire & clay-making.
People produce quality and perfect work so easily. First attempt, perfect.
For me, I took tries, many hours, many days, redoing here and there, but it's still screwed. FUGLY.
Talk about GC. Final-day prepared posters are more acceptable than mine-which I spent many days, weeks doing it. Drafts over and over many times.
I'm just screwed. Really screwed.
Sometimes I feel that everything is not fair. The world is not being fair to me in every way. I constantly wonder why am I being compared with people who had experienced and art background. This this REALLY HOW EDUCATION SHOULD WORK? I really wonder.
Whenever these questions pop out, "professionals" would say, "This is the fairest thing that it could ever be already."
No. It is bullshit.
While I'm thinking, I remembered, "Oh, the world was never fair in the first place."
Maybe I should just get my ass and move on with this freaking life.
But I'm just really tired.
Really tired of trying.
Trying to become what the world and society wants me to be.
I can't be myself. It's THEIR expectations, not mine.
I just want to be myself. Really myself. Enjoying what I really like.
Perhaps I was too naïve to think that, design school could grant that desire of mine.
In the end, it's all the same.
My own wishful thinking.
And I think. Think about going on for the next 3 years.
Am I really screwed? Really?
Not only with studies, but also with people.
No matter how I try to fit into this world, it wouldn't work.
I'm still an outcast in any way.
I tried. I tried opening my heart to people. Yes it did work for awhile. But I didn't like it. I felt that it wasn't me. THE REAL ME.
I'm constantly asking myself, that, why am I putting a mask. Why am I acting, trying, to be sociable, when the real inside my is actually an anti-social freak. Why do I have to become what they like, and not what I like?
Sometimes I really hate myself. Hate myself for being so imperfect.
For being so anti social.
For being so LOUSY at interacting with people.
For being an outcast.
For not being smarter, better, more talented and everything else.
For not being able to KNOW what I want.
For not being able to express myself to people.
For not being able to love people or being loved.
For not being able to know what love, in any form, is.
For everything and everything.
How do you expect me to love people, tell them I love them, when I can't even love myself and my own life?
How do I expect the society to accept me, when I don't even accept myself?
I'm really screwed with my life, I guess.
FANGQING LAU/芳晴