This word has followed me for life. No matter how I tried to cover it or remove it, it would always be there. I mean like, some people are just born being some social-butterfly. You know it. While some are just being born being an outcast. You know it. I'm the latter.
Yes. I have friends. I have work. I have a life. Just like anyone else. But deep inside your heart you know you're alone. I know it. I know everything. People make friends with you because they find you useful. You're usable. People talk to you because they need to socialize. Or just because they're being polite. Surface stuffs. You know it at the back they don't give you a shit at all. If one day you're gone/missing, they will just probably go "ooh!". They won't be worried. They won't think of what happened to you. That's how I feel about the people around me. I can't ask them to fuck themselves. I had to play along with the act.
All humans are selfish. Admit it. Even I'm myself am. They love themselves more than they love you. Even they love you, it's because loving you satisfy their own feelings. The reality is that no one cares. About you. You're all alone, pathetically in this green and blue planet.
While all these is a fact, it applies more to me than the others. This is what you call an outcast. I'm always watching. Always following. Always hiding. Always obeying. The show goes to others, and you're always one of the audience.
Worth. Do you feel your worth in this freaking world? Look at Maslow's Hierachy of needs. Hardly anyone makes up to the top-Self Actualization. Meaning you really feel your worth in this world. You feel important. No. Nobody cares about this freaking Hierachy. They're just satisfied with the lowest three of the Hierachy-physiological, safety, and social. They don't know in the Hierachy, your psychological needs exceeds your basic needs. People are ignorant after all.
I can see where my post is going. It's full of angst and anger, with some werid philosophy. And seems of it, if I don't stop now, I will continue writing it forever.
I don't know whats up with this sudden angst, but after all I am fortunate that I am still thinking. Thinking about life and worth. The enternal unsolvable question.
This is the confession of an outcast.
FANGQING LAU/芳晴