I'm reminiscing again.
I miss school. Although the idea of school starting in april totally freaks me out. I miss those times when I'm constantly thinking, constantly using brainpower, constantly gaining new knowledge. Even if that tortured me like hell, I'm still kinda missing it. At least during that time, I feel my worth. I feel that I am one individual, learning something with a group of people, but yet in a way different from them. I felt burden. I felt responsiblity. I feel that I'm achieving something. I see my goals. I knew what I want. I find myself useful. I feel satisfied. That's the greatness of the school in its midst of its suckiness.
Those nights when I stayed up to do those bloody homework.
Those nights when I'm sitting on a table full of worksheets and stationaries.
Those nights when I coped myself onto the sofa and memorized my history stuffs.
Those nights when I finished my all my homework and play MAA before I slept. It was one of the best things to look forward to everyday.
Those weekends which I managed to squeeze some time to play Diablo 3.
Those days where nice stationaries were the things that kept me going on studying.
I never had those feelings. For 5 months now.
Life was an agony then. But it was complete.
Now I'm a retail assistant at fairprice. Who works and serves.
I always felt that a worker is a soldier.
They don't think. They don't feel. They execute orders. Its all the same.
No, you're not someone special. If you're absent, I can find someone to replace your work.
You wanna leave, just do it. There's ton of people waiting out there.
Just make sure the shelves are not empty. Go do it now, worker. Go do it now, soldier.
Each and everyday, I see my co-workers having monotone faces (I don't know what you call that) and doing their work. Carrying heavy stuffs. Arranging stuffs. Serving people. Doing work. They all looked the same to me.
Enter the pantry, you see people sitting down. They're either chatting, resting, slacking, using their phones, trying to pass time etc.
Enter the office. You see busy people handling machines and computers. There's not even a space for you to walk or sit sometimes.
Enter the backstore, sometimes you find people smoking. You will see the garbage uncles. You see delivery men. You see tons of cardboxes. Folded ones. Loaded ones.
Enter the cashier area. You wouldn't want to go there. Its bustling with people. And many angry-looking/impatient cashiers who handled too much money and are getting pissed off.
Enter the general area. Look around. Some rushing. Some taking their time. You see families. You see groups of friends. You envy them. They looked so loving and close.
You see people doing fruits and veg like me. You see people doing groceries. You see people wearing jackets and doing Frozen. You see people with white boots at the seafood area. You see sushi-s, you see people selling meat.
Don't stay outside the general area for too long. Cause if you do, people will start asking you stuffs that you don't know. Like, "Is this fruit nice?" which you totally will not know how to answer.
Look at them. They're probably not feeling anything. They all are doing something, but they're not thinking. They are all soldiers. They all are just thinking about ending work and going home. And I'm one of them.
Fortunately, this blog had kept my consciousness. I'm probably still thinking, still feeling, because I have a place for me to write. And I feel my worth in this way.
But tomorrow when I return for work, I'll probably revert back to being a soldier again.
Life goes on. Like this.
Where's my worth? I'm still finding.
FANGQING LAU/芳晴