I'm not weak. I'm not a weak person. In fact I'm very much of strong.
I know it whenever I see people getting upset over tiny things and as I watched them wallow in their self-defined misery.
I feel like telling straight in their face to shut up but I know I won't.
Some get upset because they can't spend enough time with their boyfriend/girlfriend.
Some get upset because their crush won't take a look at them.
Some get upset because their outcasted by their friends.
Some get upset because they feel their life is not good enough.
Some get upset because they are not on good relationship with their parents.
Soem get upset because they got annoying siblings.
My life's pretty pathetic. I complain, I breakdown. But after that I got over it.
As a child, I was rebellious. I hated studying. My childhood was terrible. It was filled with memories of my parents scolding and caning me etc. Till now, sometimes I still dream of these memories in my sleep. They never asked me what I really wanted, I felt that they didn't show concern for me. I didn't feel any love.
Of course, at school, I was a lazy student in the eyes of my teachers. They despised me. They scolded me. They humilated me infront of my classmates, Seening these, my classmates too despised me. Nobody made friends with me. I'm alone, abandoned, disliked and despised.
When I grew older, I got to know friends. But it didn't went out well. We quarrelled. Ended up everybody started turning the backs on me. Everybody hated me because they thought I was mean/bad to my friend. They did all their means to trample me. Once, I even remembered they stole a library book I borrowed from me and threw it away, leaving me to pay for the fine myself. Girls did these. Boys were more direct. It was really bullying and those hitting stuffs they did to me.
My sister was in the same primary school with me. Unlike me, she was the total opposite. She was a hardworking student who aced everything in her studies. Meaning, top student. She's lovable, teachers loved her. She had an active social life, participating in many CCAs & all that. Then people came to wonder why was I so different from her. They started complaining. Questioning. Not only in the school, even outside people did this. Basically, she was like the light, and I'm the shadow. Light and shadow. Our relationship. She's always the light which shore brightly, while I'm forever behind her, unnoticed.
I grew up with my cousins. There was my elder male cousin, elder female cousin, my sis and I. My aunt doted on me. I'm grateful for this. But however, this caused some jealousy on my elder female cousin. We had some problems. Life was not exactly good at that time I would say.
For me aunt, I thank her. I felt kinda somewhat love from her at least. But when I grew up and looked back, I thought it was probably because she was obliged to do so. In the very beginning, she didnt wanted to babysit me. My mum handled me to some other babysitter and I ended up in the hospital (YES). Hence she felt guilty and then promised to babysit me afterwards. Hence she doted on me.
Yes. While I'm growing up, my hormones and those developed. I had crushes. But none of them ever looked at me. And I didn't had the courage to tell them etc. Once, I fell for someone who was part of the bullying clique. As a bully, he told me he would never fall for me and told me "fat hope".
When I reached sec school, I was afraid to make new friends due to the previous experiences I had. It took me at least 4 years to open my heart full to my classmates. They were great. It's just my own problem. I felt fortunate that history didn't repeat.
Part of me began to see things in a new light. I understood things and I started to study hard. I strove, and I manage to see results. But for many years of my life I was caught in the competition whirlwind with my classmates, which I didn't wanted. I lost another friend because of this.
Of course, it wasn't easy for a bottom-er to reach to the top. I really felt terrible between the years of my N and O levels. I was stressed. I no longer had a life. I even felt like ending my life (Im serious) because life was such an agony to me. But thankfully I managed to survive without doing any silly stuffs.
Also, last september, my sis left me for Taiwan to pursue her studies. It was really a nightmare at the start. Because one of the things I feared the most was people leaving me. And I really loved her. But slowly I kinda adapted, and here I am now, still doing fine.
Throughout the years of my life, my relatives left me. My grandparents, which left me regrets that I didn't spend more time with them when they were around. & of course my aunt. Depression took her away. I wished I had the ability to stop it. But I'm just so small, so weak.
Depression. Yes. It's the illness which runs in my family's blood. Few of them had it. Some gave in to it, some overcame it. Some's still in the middle of it. This created an awareness in me. I constantly reminded myself not to fall for it, depsite facing so many difficulties in life. I must admit, it's something that keeping me strong. I mean, I'm not exactly strong, but I know I'm not weak.
But I know, there's always a dark side of me which will not guarantee.
因为心魔永远都存在.
在你不知不觉当中，它有可能会吞食你。
其实我们都是黑暗骑士，其实我们时时刻刻都在和自己心中的黑暗战斗。
Batman's the Dark Knight of Gotham City. He saves them, protects them.
But there's a Dark Knight in every of us, fighting the dark side of us, despite we are just normal humans. Not anything legendary. The Dark Knight rides in the dark of our hearts & keeps us from being weak.
FANGQING LAU/芳晴