Tuesday, April 2, 2013 6:38 AM | permalink | comment

Growing up. It doesn't really tell you that you're growing, but somehow you just know it. I don't mean the freaking growing up physically.
You no longer get excited over things you used to.
You no longer want to "stick to" your parents like how you used to be.
No emotional outburst. You're happy. That's it. You're sad. That's it. You're stressed. That's it. Sometimes you just don't feel like showing your emotions to people. You rather just keep it to yourself.
Signs of independence. You realize you're more and more on your own. Doing things all by yourself. Daddys & Mummys are just no longer there to settle your shit.
Teenage angst. I don't know it all teenagers are like that, but that's basically how I feel nowadays.

When I was young, I yearned to grow up. Yearned to be 18, the legal age for everything. The age for freedom, the age of independence. I felt freaking pissed off when internet stuffs goes like "you need to be 18 and above to...".

I yearned that I no longer need to be controlled by parents. I yearned the feeling of owning things & sense of belonging. I yearned of being unconstricted. I yearned being able to do what I want.

And now I'm 18.
I'm neutral. I don't have any like long-awaited feelings.
And sometimes I wished I was just a child. Sometimes I wished I hadn't grown up. Sometimes I wished I could have stopped time.
It's not fun growing up. Your world gets complicated. No, the world. You know more things, therefore you get more troubles. You're the bloody shit on your own now. Nobody's there to make decisions for you. You regret, that's your business. You face some stupid hormonal changes. You get angsty. You feel it, but you can't control it. That's pathetic. Judgement. You face it. You do anything wrong, you face the consequences. You can't push the blame on age, saying that you're young therefore you should be forgiven.

And you wished that you're just a child, where everything in this world is so innocent. You can just do what you want. The world is big, you're small. If you're tired, you can just hide under the blanket and sleep. Or hug your parents.

Not now anymore.
You don't sleep. You're awake. You can't sleep. Because you're on your own now. There's still a long way to go. And you're only on the starting.

And I wish myself a Happy 18th Birthday. (Its on the 25th though)
And I wish myself the best luck.
And may the odds be ever in my favour.

And whenever I see kids wanting to grow up quickly, I think of the past me.
And I wonder will they ever end up feeling like me.