I don't know. I always feel different from others. I feel like an outcast.
People of my age doesn't behave like me. I'm like some super freaking werido who doesn't fit into anything at all. I don't feel like a teen or what.
I lacked vanity. Girls of 17. Extremely appearence conscious. Likes to go shopping, dressing up. Buy 6 pairs of shoes at one go. Go youtube to learn makeup tutorials. What are you doing? I'm been doing up my nails! I spent the whole day doing it! Isit nice? Wear heels despite how uncomfortable it is. Trip and almost fall. Buy accessories. Buy bebe/bibi/BB cream (Is that even how you spell it?) and apply. Then you don't want people to touch your face. Love bags. Love showing skin. Go crazy over pretty bloggers. Go after k-pop. See a cute guy on the street and have adrenaline rush. Camwhore here and there. Choose the most pretty, most goodlooking one and set it as profile pic.
If the above mentioned was a test, I would have failed badly. Yes. I don't fit into any of it. Perhaps I was exaggerating about what girls do, but I'm really surprised that I don't even have signs of any of those.
I was a little vain girl when young. But I don't know where did all the vain genes went.
When I was young, about 6 years old, I was already displaying signs of vanity. I wore fake toys earrings to register for my k2 classes. My parents has actually persuaded me not to, but I insisted. Thats what my mum told me. I couldn't remember anything.
Primary school. When I was primary 2, I was overly vain and I used a pretty little accessory to tie my hair to school. It wasn't allowed in the school rules. Then my teacher pulled my hair and said, "What is this party thing?!" LOL. It was embarassing. Infront of the whole class.
Primary 5-6 to sec 1-2. I started out blogging. I wasn't blogging about anything like this then. I would blog about what I was doing. What I did today, Who I met today etc. Typical blog. And I loved camwhoring and putting up pictures of myself in my blog.
And of course, throughout the years, I did the things most girls did. Love bags, love clothes, love nail polishes. Buys them alot.
But its all gone now. At this age. Sometimes, my very appearence-conscious friend would pull me to shop with her. In the end most of the time I was waiting outside the shop while she tried the clothes on. I feel extremely uncomfortable when stepping into a clothing shop or make-up shop. I hate shopping. I hate dressing up. I went for weddings only because of the food but I had to trouble over what I have to wear. And that's why I didn't went for my school prom.
The outcast part comes in when all my friends were talking and getting high over clothes and accessories. All I could do is to smile and keep quiet. Perhaps add in a pretentious "Yeah!" And now I have a problem finding a job cause jobs which hire students are all part of fashion industry. What? I wanted to work at a movie theatre. But seems like they ignored me. And yet all those clothing shops are offering me a chance for interview. Great.
Second. I am anti-social. I'm not surprised at myself about this, cause this has always been a "disablity" that followed me for life. When young, I was very afraid of going school. I once hid under the table cause I was scared and I wouldn't come out, despite all my teachers persuading me to. My aunt even thought I was autistic.
Yes. anti-social but vain. Conflicting. That was the past me.
Although my vanity has gone, but the anti social trademark of me is still there. Although I've opened up more, but seriously. One major problem/phobia is that I can't dine with another person alone. Groups of two. A headache of me. I don't know what to talk about. Awkwardness. The only exception is probably my mum and my sis.
So, I like to hang out in groups. I don't have to think of what to say cause there will always be someone entertaining the group. I can jump in and get high sometimes, thats it.
Of course, it includes fear of public speaking, fear of talking to strangers, fear of JOB INTERVIEWS. Classmates and teachers. Even they had been with me for so long, but sometimes I couldn't even squeeze a freaking word out of my mouth when with them.
Look at my report book. Every year, I would expect the same thing.
"Fang Qing is a quiet girl. She needs to speak up more in class..."
Its super funny when you see the same comments by different teachers throughout the years.
And yeah. Whenever I see a not-so-close friend at bus/mrt/while travelling, I would walk quickly, hoping that she/he would not see me. Cause I don't want to travel with a friend alone. Awkardness. One of the most scariest thing in the world.
Of course, I've been trying to improve it. By going for volunteering and asking people for donations. But I'm afraid to say my anti-socialness is in my blood. It would always stick with me. Perhaps the only time I was not antisocial is when I'm volunteering. Yes. Cause my identity changes from Fang Qing to "A Volunteer" when working and I don't care how I display myself infront of those strangers. That's it.
Am I odd-one-out? Am I an outcast? Am I being abandoned? Am I a part of society? Am I even a part of this freaking world?
I don't know.
FANGQING LAU/芳晴