Hmm. Its a long time since I used blogger. Its even a longer time since I typed in english. Everything feels so foreign to me now. Typing in english feels werid too. Its been years since I came here. Blogger has a new revamp and I dont even know how to use it now.
I abandoned blogger for weibo cause during that period (sec3-sec4), I was greatly influenced by Mayday. I read Ashin's blog almost everyday. His blog posts were really awesome and influencing. Everything. The beauty in every of his sentence and his words. I wanna be like him, so I started using weibo to blog in chinese.
My chinese isn't good. Perhaps okay and above average as compared to the angmoh-ish Singaporeans, but blogging in chinese in a china website doesn't feel good. Im constantly checking for my mistakes and I realized I did't had my own writing style. I'm just mimicking Ashin. Later as I got to sec5, school work piled up and I had lesser time to use com. I then stopped blogging. As time passes, I lost my interest for blogging in chinese. I would sometimes blog, but then I realized the thing that Im trying to say is almost the same in every post. Things got cheezy and I didn't like it. So Im back here now.
That's me. So decisive, yet so indecisive.
I'll never settle for something for long period of time.
I never knew what I want in life.
I was chatting with my sis yesterday on fb. She told me she was reading her old blog and everything in her 'wishlist' actually came true. Putting wishlists in blogs was popular during that time.
"Be the true me!
albums of my fav singers
Many many yan chang hui tickets
Play piano, guitar, write lyrics and poems and sanwens well
A bike
Decent grades
Get a overseas scholarship for uni"
Yeah. Now she's in Taiwan studying, working towards her future. Enjoying her new life and continuing to fufill every of her wish.
To me, sis was actually a quite indecisive person. That kind of person who could spend 4 hours shopping for a bag. Constantly asking my opinions in everything, dressing, eating, etc. She would ask me if she looked okay in that outfit. If I gave her a werid look, she would immediately change into another one. Even when she's about to step out of the house.
On the other hand, I seemed to be very decisive one. I did things without thinking and always decided on things quickly. I didn't regret most of the time for the things I did.
But I've realized we were actually the opposite of each other. She's the decisive one. Im the indecisive one. She wanted to learn piano. She did. She was influenced by Mayday and wanted to learn guitar. She did. She wanted to be well-versed in art. She did. She wanted to study chinese. She did.
Me? Whenever people asked me where I want to go after my O's, I didn't know how to answer. Sometimes I would say "Interior design in poly" but after that I would add, "I'm not sure actually.". As more questions like this popped out, I got tired of it and I would reply them and joke, "I want to work in Mcdonalds after O's/start working/". They laughed.
I took up guitar lessons in Feb. I was super on about guitar then. I would always try to find time to pratice, even though Im busy from schoolwork. I would ask my sis to print new scores and teach me, etc. I would enthusiastically play guitar in the midnight, not caring about anything else. But after the course ended, I didn't want to continue. Mid year was near and I wanted to focus on studying. Then, as time passes by, I stopped playing the guitar. And eventually I lost interest for it.
Sec 5 wasn't easy. It was ton of schoolwork, tests, and schoolwork. I didn't mind. I told myself to work hard and promised myself that I would do the things I like and develop my other interests after the O's end. I would live the kind of life I want.
Here I am, after O's. Not exactly living the life I want. Yes, life is good. I could wake up after I've fully rested, no longer like school days. I could use the com all day without thinking about schoolwork. I would play Diablo3, watch some shows, FB and Marvel. Plus one movie per night for me. X men series, Resident Evil series, Chronicles of Narina series, Avengers series etc.
But this is not thel life I want actually. It lacked fufillment and satisfaction despite it was good. I would say my life was more accomplishing during the school days. But I don't know how can I change it. I'm confused. Because I don't even know exactly what I want. I don't know what fills in the term for fufilling and satisfying. Perhaps getting a job will make things better, but I dont't know where, how, who, what to find.
I didn't work hard for that 10 months to get this. This kind of life.
No Im not complaining. Im contented. But it could be better though. I didn't want to rot my life away.
Perhaps the me during school days was far much better, braver, more fufilling, and more decisive.
FANGQING LAU/芳晴